Attack of the Mush: Pretentions

For almost two and a half months, I pretended. I pretended that I was ok. I lied my ass off trying to believe that the I was over you. I wanted the lie to become an eventual reality. But tonight, when I saw the pics of him with your family, with your mom and daughter, I nearly cried. My heart sank and I realized I wasn't over you. How could I when every fiber in my being still longs to be loved. Not specifically by you, but by someone. I wanted something similar to what we had. The seemingly near perfect relationship that I've always wanted.

I remain steadfast on the hope that I can find whoever it is, is worth the wait. But I grow tired too.

I always believed that I'm a great guy. But I'm not. I break hearts too. And my still semi-broken heart still needs mending. But who'd be willing?

Every so often we stumble upon a chance, an opportunity too feel great... to feel happy. Yes, happiness is a choice but to get there is hard work. I simply want to love another and be loved in return. I am the true bohemian lover. I feel my best when I love. I wish it were that simple to find him. If only...

But it isn't.

It never was. Never will be.

So dear God if you're listening, if you still care for me even one tiny bit, please, please, please let him find me. And I promise, I will do better this time.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Amma Comin' Home

3 years ago I decided to move out of my parents house. Not because I had problems living there and not because I didn’t want to live with parents anymore but because, I felt the need. I needed to prove to myself that I could live on my own. I needed to understand firsthand how difficult and fulfilling it was going to be.

And now that I understood, I’m moving back home.

Ever since I moved out of my parents’ house, I was always asked by Mom to come back every chance she got. On every family gathering, lunch out, even on SMS but I always declined the offer. But in two weeks, I’ll be starting the laborious process of packing, transferring my stuff and settling back home. I feel jittery just by thinking about it. After being gone for so long, I’m actually scared to get my old life back. Back to quarreling with my siblings on a semi-weekly basis, back to the adjustment of going home early and abiding by the house rules and back to the reality that I have to spend as much as time as I have left with my aging parents. It was fun during the 3 years I was by myself. And by fun I mean difficult-scary-financially-taxing-exhausting-long-nights. And during those 3 years, I have learned so much more than I could have imagined. I’ve learned to be more responsible, less stressful and to basically take care of myself better.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to go back home…


Especially since I might get a car instead.

Mobility over independence.

Practicality over luxury.

Me over family.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Reslilience

A friend asked me, “After 3 years of waiting and then getting your heart broken, how close are you on being jaded?” I simply replied, “I am and forever will be a hopeless-romantic.” I don’t know why I replied with such pessimism but I knew it was the truth. I just need time to heal but I know in time I will be able to bounce back better than before.

***

I recently confirmed my long standing suspicion that ze ex has been seeing someone else right after we broke up. Actually, a few days after we parted ways, he has been meeting up with an old “friend.” He had always denied that there was anything going on between them but yesterday everything was clarified. He is now in a relationship with this guy. More than anything else, the seeming betrayal was the most painful. Yes, I do still feel something for him or at least I did. Now, it’s pure hate and disgust on the stupidity that I allowed myself to be the victim of a love that started with nothing but lies. He always lied to me, even then. He was a master of this art. And I, intelligent guy that I am, was played. Goes to prove that the smarter you are, the more stupid you become when you fall in love. I shall not go into the details since I am still trying my able best to actually be the nice person here. I could have done so many things to hurt him back but thankfully, I was brought up by my parents to be kind and understanding even if it’s hard to. I just figured that if I did plot my revenge a lot of people will be affected by it and I cannot bare that on my conscience. And so, I am doing the next best thing… to let go and detach myself from him. Difficult, yes but if I don’t I’ll never be able to open my heart and mind to the possibility that not all men are bastards. Some of them are just born cruel.

I shall keep waiting, dreaming, hoping and dreaming that someone out there is the right person for me. Someone I can share whatever life I have with. Someone out there who will try and avoid breaking my heart into a million pieces and then breaking them again into little more manageable pieces. I was perfectly content 3 years ago before he came and now I am in the slow agonizing process of healing once again. Still, I know I can do this. The heart, after all, is resilient.

And just to prove how resilient it is, I’m up for coffee, a nice dinner and a movie for anyone willing to have a good time with a person desperately trying to move on. Or we can go straight to bed, that might be a good way to speed things up. (Kidding!)

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Craziness

While I was browsing the ever-so-time-consuming Facebook, I saw my ex (the first one) with his current and I must zay they are looking so cute. Holding hands while posing for a photo. Damn! I hate happy relationships!



I know! I know! It sounds bitter but just like my newest ink reminds me (that) “Amantes sunt Amentes” which is Latin for Lovers are Lunatics! And so indeed we are! And last night was a true testament on how crazy I am.



It was late, maybe around 11ish when I decided to turn-in and focus on Michael Scott’s 3rd installment of the Nicholas Flamel series --- The Sorceress, which Vicky and I are absolutely addicted to. We are in fact planning to by the last installment of the book later. And while I was engrossed reading what will happen to Perenelle and the twins of the legend, my mobile rang. And yes, it was ze ex. It took me a few seconds to contemplate whether or not I’ll pick up but alas, this story would have no sense if I didn’t. Knees shaking, arms trembling, I tried and kept my voice as nonchalant as possible. He said he was at my condo and asked if he could come up my unit to visit. Trying to still keep any emotion away from my voice, I said, “Yes!” Now before you get your panties in a wad, nothing remotely sexual happened. We talked. Ok, maybe hugged for a few seconds. Alright, minutes! But that was just it. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. And to be honest, I missed him too.



He was in and out of my place in less than 10mins. Any minute longer and it would have spelled trouble for both of us. I keep asking why had to come. I keep asking what it is that he wants from me and all he could say was that he wanted to be friends. It was then I realized I wanted what we had before or none at all. It was then I made a conscious effort to stop loving him. I could not be his friend, not now at least. So it’s either we get back together or have nothing to do with each other at all. After he left, I kept thinking what was different and then it dawned upon me… he’s too much of a coward to even take the risk of getting back together. It also came as a surprise that after waiting for so long to see him, when I finally did… I felt nothing. I felt no anger, no pity, no warmth, and no happiness. Nothing.



I realized that waiting is the most important thing that you can do for love… but it proved to me one thing…



As it goes it can also…



Change your mind!

Love letters and idealism by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Healing

Almost a month after, I’m still incapacitated. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from all the things that had happened to me in the past couple of months it is that NO ONE is ready for heartache.

For almost 3 years, I’ve prayed, wished, and hope of finding my one true love. And now, I begin to question if it does even exist. Are the stories for happy-ever-after only experienced by the lucky few --- the VERY lucky few? Am I never going to be one of them? Yes, you might say that it’s very early for me to give up on love. But what if, love has given up on you? Is it even worth waiting for? Is the pain of heartache worth the happiness and joy of finding love? I really don’t know.

To be quite honest, I am still very much in love with ze ex. But right now, there is very little, if not none at all, chance for us to get back together. And so, today when I woke up I decided to let go. He has found another and I… I will be slowly picking up the pieces of my broken self. I cannot promise not to love again --- for I am only human after all, but I can promise not to fall too fast, too soon. I’m sure you know how difficult that is but if I don’t start now, I might lose myself.

Though I am still hurting, I am in the process of healing. And that’s always a good thing. Rising up from each fall is, after all, a choice. And today, I choose to stand up and fight, with or without another to help me. Today, I will love you a little less and want myself a little more. Today, I will long for you a little less and think of myself a little more. I will carry your memories but only to serve as lessons for the mistake of loving you too much.

I loved and lost. There’s really all there is to it.

My forever wasn’t with you. But for whomever it is with, I do hope you’re worth the wait.




Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Until the Last Shoe Drops

I sat there listening intently to every sound. Half-awake I tried and make sense of what you were saying. It was only a few hours ago when you were hugging me and kissing me, tearfully saying that you love me. It was only a few hours ago that leaving was not an option. It was past one o’clock when you decided to let me go. It was then, my heart stopped beating. It was then I knew I had to go.

Everything was perfect before that night. I was right where I belong. Until I knew the truth, the truth that you can’t fight for me. It wasn’t an option. Your love, OUR love couldn’t conquer it all. But you were what I hoped for. It was you that I loved. It was you that made me happy. I asked for you --- wished, hoped and prayed for you. I wasn’t ready to get my heart broken so early. I was still content loving you. But it had to end.

I remember hearing the words.
I remember wiping the tears.
I remember feeling the pain.
I remember wanting my heart to stop beating.

I remember but wanted to forget.

So let me say my goodbye if only to force my world to start turning once again. Let me NOT ask, hope, wish and pray for you to return. I don’t want empty dreams --- like promises written on the sand. I can’t wait forever --- since it may never come. Don’t say you miss me and do nothing. Don’t say you’re lonely when you’re surrounded by people you can’t let go. Don’t say when you’re ready to come back, you will because we both know you can’t. Don’t love me anymore because it will never be enough. I will never be enough.

Let me pretend to be strong now. Let me at least try...

For now.

Love Letters and Idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Very Happy

For nearly 3 years, I’ve searched, waited and longed for that one person to come and alas, my long wait has come to an end. He came in the most unexpected time, in an island where booze, intoxicating fun and wonderful companions can seemingly bring you to another world. It was then; I knew I would be happy for a very, very long time.

“Saan tayo mga becky?”

“Doon na lang sa Mikko’s Bar,” I said.

“Chaka, sa ibang lugar naman tayo. Gusto ko magvideoke!”

“Ayyyyy! Game!”

It was our last night in Puerto Galera. Earlier that day some of us decided to postpone going back to Manila for one more night. And so, I came up with an excuse to my boss and stayed one more night. Little did I think that that was the best decision I was ever going to make.

After spending most of the day under the sun, playing beach volleyball, drooling at hunks, and lying at the beach working on our tan while reading, we all decided to grab dinner and head down to the bars for more hunk-drooling. Most of us still had a hangover from the night before but that never stopped us from getting drunk again that night especially since it will be our last night in the island. There was unanimous decision to get wasted and sing our lungs out at the local videoke joint somewhere. But after walking back and forth our dreams soon faded and we settled at the same bar we hung out the night before. And there I saw him; in a floral polo (yes, floral – we were in an island after all) buttons opened all the way holding a glass of the infamous Mindoro Sling seemingly dancing the night away with friends. (I later on found out that he was with relatives.)

“Mga bakla! May gustong makipagkilala sa iyo.”

“Sino?”

“Yung guy na labas ang dibdib don sa kabilang table.”

“GO!”

When we first passed the area, he already caught my eye. And as chance would have it he seemed attracted to me too. FATE? DESTINTY?

I wasn’t quite certain that I had the guts to approach a stranger in a bar. I always had this rule that men I meet at Galera will be left in Galera. I’ve had too many horror stories from friends about hooking up with guys in the island and I didn’t want that to happen to me. But he was quite the persistent lad. I was watching some fire-dancers when he sat beside me and did small talk. Of course, my insides were already shrieking like a little girl. A few more drinks, more talk, a little dancing and as the night grew darker I got hooked.

It was there bathed under the moonlight, amidst puddles of people around, drinks on hand, sands on our feet and distant techno-music in the background, I kissed this stranger in White Beach.

And I was happy. Very happy.



Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Fumi-FLING lang!

Hindi ko naman sinasabing napaka bihasa ko pagdating sa pinilakang-tabing, ngunit sa dami na din ng pinapanood kong pelikula --- mapa-banyaga or lokal, masasabi ko din naman na may alam ko sa kagandahan (o kapangitan) ng isang pelikulang aking pinapanood.

Tandaan na aking babanggitin sa blog na ito at tanging opinion ko lang lamang at wala akong minamasamang tao, pagkakataon o pangyayari sa pagsulat ng “blog” na ito.

Kamakailan at naimbitihan akong manood ng isang indie film sa Megamall. Ang manunulat kasi ay kaibigan ni ‘Hal at di dito na nagsimula ang humigit kumulang na dalawang oras na pangkukutya, panlalait, at pagtawa sa pelikulang pinamagatang “FLING.” Dagdagan pa natin ng mga taong parang ngayon lang naka pasok sa sinehan at namistulang sala nila ang sinehan sa Megamall. Tama daw bang mahiyawan, palakpakan at magwala sa ibang eksena. Ang tanong ko ay saan? Ano? At BAKEEEET?

Pasing-tabi muli sa mga taong pinagaksayahan ng panahon ang pelikulang ito pero magbibigay lang ako ng nararapat na opinion sa mga bagay-bagay ukol dito.

Kung tutuusin maganda sana ang pagkakasulat ng pelikula – makabago at maganda ang mga “one-liner” na hirit ng mga karakter. Sa katunayan ito ay hango sa isang nalathalang storya ng manunulat. Kaso sablay ang mga artista, di kagandahan ang direction, at panget ang cinematograpiya. Hindi ko lubos maisip ang mga zoom-in sa mga mata, pag-highlight ng naliligong artista at ang “washed-out” flashback chuchu. May isa tuloy eksenang nagmukhang niletchon na baka sa Lance Raymundo sa pagka-high contrast ng dating. Nakakaloka! At ang mga outfit ‘teh, bumu-boots lang! Boots kung boots at pechay shorts! HAHAHA!

ANG MGA KARAKTER

Ang “Fling” ay pinagbidahan ni Lara Morena, Rafael Rosel at isang Jacq Yu something ata yun. Di ko na matandaan. Magaling sana yung Jacq, natural umarte pero mahina pa sa timing. May mga nahuhuling pagkakataon na tumitingin sa kamera. At ang mga damit… ang mga damit ‘teh! Hindi ko alam kung galing sa Korea or Japan ang stylist ng pelikulang ito pero ang magagandang damit lang sa palabas na ito ay yung asa Boracay sila na halos hubo’t hubad na ang mga artista. Maganda ang katawan ni Rafael Rosel. Yun lang ang masasabi ko! Maganda ang katawan nya! Hayaan na lang natin na mag-modelo siya at yun naman talaga ng pinaka pam-bato nya sa tao. Si Lara Morena, hayyyy Lara Morena! Hindi ko na maalala ang huling pelikulang ginawa nya bago ang “Fling” pero sigurado akong kalianman ay hindi na ako manonood ng pelikulang pinagtatampukan nya, kahit pa ang tanging papel nya dito ay isang extra. Hindi ko naman mawari kung paano siya binigyan ng isang role na isang sumikat na International Model na sosyalera at ingglisera. ‘Teh narinig mo na ba siya mag-english? Kung hindi pa, magpasalamat ka na lang dahil ako narinig ko siya at hindi lang ilong ko ang dumugo, pati mata, tenga, ari, balakang, kuko, buhok at kung anu-ano pang parte ng katawan. Masakit ‘teh. Napakasakit na maranasan ko sa buhay ang pakinggan siyang mag-english. Ang haba ng opening speech nya ‘teh --- producer kasi kaya ayun! Talk-a-thon si Ateh! At pagdating naman sa pag-arte, siguro ay may dating ang lola mo sa ibang pelikulang nagawa nya da dati (di ko din alam kasi di ko naman talaga siya pinapanood) pero sablay siya dito sa “Fling.” UTANG NA LOOB! Siya na ang bagong Reyna ng Jejemons! Siya na ‘teh! Siya na!

Mas natuwa pa ako sa pagarte ni Matet De Leon at Kathleen Hermosa dito. Kahit ang gumanap na magulang at kapatid ni Jacq ay masasabi kong OK. Hindi din katanggap-tanggap ang ibang alipores dito. Yung beckying kaibigan ni Jacq dito ay pilit na pilit magpatawa at umarte. Mas magaling pa ata ang mga kilala kong Stand-up Comedian o parlorista sa may amin. Pag napanood mo siya dudugo din ang lahat ng parte ng katawan mo sa inis.

Sumatutal, kung gusto mong magaksya ng pera’t panahon at gusto mo lang mayamot sa buhay, i-re-recommend ko ang pelikulang ito. Kung type mo din makita ang katawan lagi ni Rafael, ni Lara or ni Jacq pwede mo din itong pag tiyagaan. Asa sa iyo na yun! Basta ito, opinion ko lang!

BOW!

**Disclaimer: May freedom of speech ako 'teh kaya tabi-tabi po! Ang masaktan sana 'wag ako i-habla! LOL"***

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Cheating

There have been moments in one’s life that the one thing you don’t expect happens… and mind you it happens quick. For about two years and a half now I have searched, far and wide, high and low, in and out for the one perfect person that is worth giving up my single life for but alas I have never truly found it. I have looked at all the signs. There are the more subtle signs that can mislead you to believe that what you’re feeling can be real such as friendly SMS flirting and other signs that are more blatant such as whispering “I love you” during foreplay that can catch you off-guard and suddenly ruin the mood.

They say that life should be lived to the fullest. And that it’s too short and too sad to spend it alone. Yes, I have been alone for almost 3 years, sometimes lonely and often just okay. And during this time I have focused on my career, friends and family as most people living the single life would. But there comes a time when you start asking yourself, “What is this all for if not to share it with someone you really care about?” You begin to realize that life tends to be more meaningful when you really have someone to share everything with. You begin to look for answers, reasons for you to wake up every morning with a smile on your face… an inspiration to keep going. But then you suddenly find it, in the most unguarded moment of your life only to realize that you maybe ready but it’s not enough. Your expectations grow higher, your checklist grow longer and the hopes for your to find the right person begins to dwindle. You do not settle because you owe it to yourself to keep looking for your Prince Charming. Because every fiber in your body believes that that one person exists to change your life for the better.

And then one day, you wake up and you’re in a relationship. After the long search you finally settled. You settled because you thought that you are in love. You accepted the flaws and acted on impulse only to be betrayed by your faith. He cheats. Time and time again he hurts you but like the proverbial son you keep coming back. And while some people call it true love, I just call it stupidity. You keep on breaking up and get reeled back in just as fast because you believe you have the obligation to stay. You believe it’s your duty to be the “better” partner.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all seen it. Felt it. That feeling of ecstasy, of love and how grand it can be. But at one point in your life you ask yourself, “Is it all worth it?”

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been going on and on about how love seemingly abandoned me. There just came a point in my life that I got so tired of all the dating, all the drama, all the waiting, and all the games. I haven’t given up on love. But sadly, I think that it has given up on me. In my 28 and a half years of existence, I have seen, or experienced, the kind of love so monumental that when I lost it I nearly died. And yet up until recently, I have been searching for a kind of love that will last. The kind that would give me reason to wake up every morning with a smile. The kind very few have. And unfortunately, the kind most people take for granted.

By nature, people are never satisfied. It’s human nature to always want more and it is this flaw that causes problems. A fatal flaw that ends a relationship you tired so hard to find and twice as hard to keep.

They say that good things come to those who wait. But what if it never does. Are you going to keep holding on that tiny glimmer of hope? Or will you give up and succumb to the reality that you may be destined to be alone. Will you be okay with it? Are you ready for that part of your life when it’s simply better to be single that to be in an unhealthy, complicated, often-hurtful relationship. Samantha (SATC) said, “Men cheat like dogs lick their balls, simply because they can.” In the gay community this holds especially true. Gay guys in relationship often cheats, not just because they are not satisfied with their partner anymore but simply because they can. It’s easier with social networking sites built for hooking-up and with bars practically giving the opportunity in a silver platter. And even in the slightest chance you find a perfect partner who will stay loyal for you, it won’t be forever. I’ve known gay couples that have been together for so many years that ended up being in an open-relationship after a few years because it can’t be helped. There’s a need. You can give all the excuses in the world to justify the fact you cheat. So I ask myself, after all that, “What’s the point?”

Perhaps, I have yet to find someone who can change my perception in relationships. To prove me wrong that gay guys can be faithful. After all, who wakes up each morning saying they don’t want to get swept off their feet.

All they need is the right broom.

***Thoughts inspired while listening to OliDex’s recommended song “A Love That Will Last” by Renee Olstead and a friend’s very complicated relationship.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Myth and Manipulation

“From Single to In a Relationship.” That’s how it read. It was declaration of your relationship status, a testament that your elusive heart has finally been captured. I searched frantically to find that one person who finally did it. And there it was, the picture that told me everything. It was that photograph in a restaurant in one of your night outs. There he was, a brand new person amidst the familiar faces. He was the one. And as clear as the words written in your change of status, it hit me. You could never really be mine. You could be the worlds’ but never mine. It doesn’t matter how long I wait, or how patient I can be or even how close we can get, it was just never enough. It was simply not meant to be.

Is being in a relationship really all that? After 2 years and almost 4 months of being in a relationship with my work, my photography, my laptop, family and friends, I begin to ask the question, “Should I settle?” It’s not as if I am single by choice but sadly it’s more because of circumstance. And so in the hopes of finally finding that one person to finally end my journey, I am declaring to the universe that I too am ready to be with someone!

I watched one of my favorite films of all time earlier, “The Mirror has Two Faces.” I must have seen that film a dozen times and yet I have never grown tired of it. More than Barbara Streisand, what struck me most about that movie was how it describes the longing of people to be in love. In one particular scene, Barbara, who played a middle-aged professor of literature at Columbia University discussed why people fall in love --- the myth and the manipulation of it all.

Why do people find it a need to be with someone, to be in love? Perhaps it’s true that what we see in movies, read in books, and even stories that have been told to us when we were young are all but a manipulation of what loves suppose to be. Why in the end we are not told what happens after the princess marries the prince? Why movies highlight the “falling in love” of characters to be overly extravagant with music swelling up to the moment when they first kiss. Why romantic novels describe fantastic love scenes and create illusions of grandeur when characters (people) fall in love.

It has been said that when we fall in love, we hear music, whether it be Puccini or angels singing, bells ringing, or chimes. Why? Because they say that music is the nearest description to the feeling of being in love. And while I haven’t heard the Philharmonic in my head on a first date for a long, long time. I still believe that this is true. I want to. I have to. If only to assure myself that I shall hear it again --- that I shall feel it again.

When I look around me and see couples, I can’t help but feel envious. I am jealous that they are together not because of the sweet nothings they say to each other (though I want that), nor the fact that they look into each other’s eyes with such longing (though I also want that), or even the fact that they have fantastic sex. I am jealous because they have found someone in their lives who truly knows who they are, who accepts each and every flaw. Who cares for you in a way no one else can. Someone who knows what kind of toothpaste you use and what kind of food you like. Someone you can share your life with. People fall in love because while, some of us already know, that it can have a very short shell-life, and it can lead into an indescribable pain. People fall in love because while it can only last for a moment, an hour, a minute, or even one night --- while it lasts it feels f*cking great!

In my search for that one person who in an instant turn my life around, I have stumbled across so many frogs I was willing to kiss. And of all those near misses, I’ve only realized one thing. I will never settle for someone less. So whether true love exists, whether it is a myth or a manipulation, I want to find it…


…Again.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Lovemonth-Schlervmonth!

There are moments in your life that leaves you wondering if it all makes sense and you pray that while you go through the routine of the day, it will all finally unravel to tell you that while something’s should be thrown to trash, there are some that deserves keeping.

I have not written anything in a pretty long time. There were lots of attempts but I never got to share my thoughts in writing to my very little fan base. And so let me try and include the few of those unpublished works.

There was one inspired by the “Ugly Truth” on which I called it the “Uglier Truth” about gays and how complicated dating in the gay world is compared to the heterosexual scene. Why? Because while we all go through the same problems in dating, gays have it worse… at least for gay men. There’s the physical aspect where gay men are attracted more to the big chests, bulging biceps, toned abs, and yet still need to incorporate the personality based aspect of having the charm, wit, thoughtfulness, sweetness, often found in women. Not to mention the complications of men (almost all men) being very, very sexually active ---Promiscuous I dare say to a certain extent. There are very few, if not any who can be very monogamous. And while we all dream of Prince Charming to be very charming indeed, having such personality coupled with disturbingly good looks can only lead to heartache for most gay men especially for those who refuse to take in the concept of an “open relationship.” And so, I ask myself, when I comes to dating for gay men, is it really worth it or is sex just simply a more outright solution to those cold, lonely nights when you have no one to cuddle with but your pillow?

A few months back I dated a couple of guys that finds merit in being included on this blog entry. And while I am a bit afraid that they will read this and curse me for life, I still want to be able to share why I’ve been single for more than 2 years. But I’ll be kind – or at least I will try to be.
He was a great guy. He was tall, Chinese-mestizo, a gym-goer and an educator. But while the fact remains that he seems to be an obvious catch, there’s something about him that just didn’t click. He was “dreamless.” I was looking for someone whom I could share a certain passion with and even if it was not the same as mine, I want a guy who’d be equally as passionate on the things that he wanted to do. He was over 30 and sadly he still did not know what to do with his life. He lacked the drive to dream and the balls to pursue whatever it is he wanted to do in his life. I may be a tad bi judgmental here but this is my opinion of him, my impression – a very bad one at that.

A month of dating and I wanted to understand and maybe even help in deciphering what went on his head. I wanted to persuade him to do whatever it is that he wanted to do. Problem is, I don’t think he even had a clue himself. He ended it in manner bordering cruelty. He phoned me saying that he just saw his ex and they spoke and that he realized that he still had feelings for him. He even asked us to be friends and, I said, “What’s the point?”

Second guy turned out better than the first. He was cute, witty, funny, and responsible. He was too responsible --- for many things. In short, he wasn’t ready for what I had to offer. I shall not go into details, as I am sure that if he ever read this, he might end up hating me. I realized last night it was simply not worth it. I told myself this has to end. Bad thing about it is that I haven’t exactly told him yet. I’m a coward that way. I refuse to say it into his face. I just don’t call anymore nor text as often. I think eventually he’ll get it. I don’t think he’s that dense anyway.

And so my search continues to eventually find that one person to disrupt my life. I wait for that knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet and carry me to a distant land. If only life was a fairytale where it all ends in happy endings. But often life is cruel. It plays with your heart and tests its tolerance for pain and its capacity to heal.

There are moments in your life when that one person you thought could change your life for the better turns out to be the villain in the teleserye of your life. You simply have to learn that not all first dates can lead to a second one. Not all wonderful night-outs can eventually lead to cuddling for breakfast. Not all perfect conversations can lead to talk about the future. You have to accept the fact that sometimes he’s simply not that into you --- or you to him.

And then you move on if only to someday find someone really worth keeping.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: The Answer

The Answer

As an avid reader of my blog – a fan, dare I say, you probably know about the guy I once had a very interesting conversation with. Well, he remains ever so elusive when it comes to hanging out and meeting me for coffee. But for those who don’t know the story, read this. After months of chatting online and sometimes even on the phone we scheduled a meeting Dec 19, 2009. But alas, the day came and went and no meeting ever took place. I remember I sms’d him the day before the destined meeting asking if we were still “on” and he replied with something like, “I can’t blah, blah, blah, because some excuse, blah, blah, blah!” He promised. But I guess like anything else in the planet… nothing’s permanent --- especially words thrown to the wind. As they say, promises are made to be broken. And so it did. He did.

Perhaps on his blog entry about the same topic, on which he was contemplating whether to meet me or not, the NOT won. He wasn’t prepared. And he did disappoint. And so I ask myself, is it all worth it? Is all the waiting, longing, flirting and interesting conversations worth everything? And although I know the answer in my mind, my heart wants to prove me wrong otherwise. Maybe he was stuck in some national crisis that he needed to resolve. Maybe he went to a much needed mani-pedi. Maybe he was scared. Maybe he was weak. Or maybe the conversations, interesting as it maybe were simply not enough. Oh well… ces’t la vie.

Moving on.

Another Saturday night in Malate proved to me that I am indeed getting old. Not only was I less (much less) of a drinker, I also had less fun dancing and listening to club music. Signs of aging as one friend pointed out. I have been going to Malate since I was 16 years old after all. For as long as I could remember, Malate was the only place where gay guys gather on a stressful week. It’s a place to hang-out, relax, meet old friends and gain new ones. Not to mention, a place to get all the meat you can get your hands on – so long as they’re willing. Mind you, gay guys can be really, really picky. Checklists? Gay guys probably have these as top three: (1) Hot --- smoking hot body. (2) To die for looks. (3) Mediocre brains. Now these are just general assumptions. It can vary depending on scale, percentage and statistics. As for me, I go there for friends --- just to be with friends. Gone are the days when hook-ups, Quick Fixes, and NSA-ONS are on the menu. I’ve been telling my friends, that if I reach 40 and I’m still hanging out in Malate to get laid, someone just put me out of my misery and shoot me.

Nevertheless, since I was already there I decided to take a look around and simply observe. And that I did. I saw this one guy who for all intent and purposes was there to get hooked-up. He was all over the place hoping, begging to be noticed. And after an hour or so, he finally proved successful when he was groping another guy – which was with another guy (a friend) later that evening. Talk about all aboard. I also saw familiar faces, those who are friends with the owners, or simply there every weekends. These are the social leeches that cling on the ladder to get noticed. They beso-beso with the “it” people hoping to be “it” themselves only to be later on trampled by the real socialites entering the club -- Pathetic, isn’t it? Then there are the friends of the owners who dance around like puppets on the whim of a master puppeteer. These are the college drop-outs with tons of money from their parents but zero English-speaking skills. The dumb blondes.

And so, it only proves how sad, very sad lives some if not most gay guys lead. They live for the moment only because the future seems bleak without a family to build. They hold no respect for themselves only because they think Malate is an appropriate place to be promiscuous. The everyone-does-it-so-it-must-be-good mentality.

Last Saturday I found my answer…

I call him Beh!

Kaganapan (Panimula)

Sumisikat na daw ang blog ko. Yihee! Baka naman isipin nyo nagmamayabang ako. Hindi noh! Medyo lang!

Eh kasi napansin ko lang na may chumichismis na sa blog ko. Nakatanggap na din ako ng mangilan-ngilang mensahe na sinasabing narinig na daw nila ang blog ko kung kanino man. Katunayan may natanggap akong mensahe kanina sa Facebook na nagpapatunay. May nagrekominda dawn g blog ko sa kanya. “Interesting” daw kasi ito. Hindi ko sigurado kung ano ang ibig nyang sabihin dito. Pero hindi ko na din tinanong. Para sa akin mahilig lang ako magsulat ng patungkol sa mga paksang nalalaman ko. Kalimitan nga lang ay sa pag-ibig.

At dahil na blanko ako sa pagsusulat buong November, gusto ko sanang bumawi sa pagsusulat ng tagalog ngayon December. Ito ang paunang salbo ko sa mga mangilan-ngilan kong taga subaybay at kung maari pa nga at tawaging tagahanga.

**KAGANAPAN**

Sa dinami-dami ng pagkakataong ako’y magsulat at mag update ng blog, hindi ko ito nagawa. Nakakahiya tuloy tawaging blogger ako kung hindi naman ako masipag magupdate. Marami-mari na ding naganap sa akin na karapat-dapat sanang ilathala ngunit/subalit/dadadapwat/pero, ang buong katotohanan ay, tinamad ako magsulat. Mas masarap na kasing matulog ngayon. Malamig at siguro ay tumatanda na din ako. Pero heto, susubukan ko pa din magsulat ng mga kaganapan sa akin nung nakaraang buwan.

Mauna ito sa lahat. May nakilala ako.

May nakilala akong karapat-dapat isulat. Si CLG. Una kami nagkasama dahil sa pambubuyo ng isang kaibigan. Isang nakakaloka at minsan nakakapikon sa pagka-talamak sa late na kaibigan. Architect nya daw ito sa kanyang pinapagawang bahay at dahil gusto nya uminom ng gabing iyon sinama nya na. Malagim ang gabing yun. Ang aking kaibigan ay nawasak ng todo. Nagpakalango sa alak at nalasing. Yung lasing na hindi na makatayo. Yung inom na parang pangkanto. Ganon.

Don nagsimula ang lahat. Sa painom-inom, na nauwi sa pagpunta at pagtulog nilang dalawa sa condo ko sa Mandaluyong. Ang masaklap pa nyan na pwersa ako magmaneho dahil sa kalasingan nya at yung si CLG naman ay hindi marunong mag-drive. Ayus di ba? Buti na lang at naalala ko pa yung pagaaral ko sa magmamaneho noon. Eh pitong taon din akong hindi gumalaw ng sasakyan, simula ng mabanga ako. Este, nung naatrasan ko pala ang kotse ng kapit-bahay naming papuntang school. Sa sobrang takot at kaba ko, din a ulit ako humawak ng sasakyan. Pero, ‘nak ng hueteng, wala ako nagawa ng gabing yun kaya pinaandar ko ang sasakyan sa bumubuhos na bagyo, bonggang baha, walang lisensya, mula San Juan hanggang Mandaluyong Executive (malapit na sa Makati) ng pinakamabilis na takbo at segunda.

Makalipas ang isang buwan ng una naming pagkakakilala. Ayun, magkakilala pa din kami. Marami pa akong iniisip bago ako tumalon sa balon kaya hinahayaan ko na lang munang magtampisaw. Malay natin baka bukas makalawa maramdaman ko na din.

-ITUTULOY-

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Updates, Dating, and on Missing V

It is unusual for me not to be able to write an entry on my blog for the longest time, and yet for the past couple of weeks, I’ve complete ran out of time and opportunity (and even mood) to even take a glimpse of my blog – unfortunately. That, plus the fact that I have been really, extremely (borderline-life-altering) busy with a lot of things and simply didn’t find anything interesting to write about. But then I realized that’s not entirely true. Being a rather observant person, I could usually find something or someone to write about. And so, for this first entry (and probably the last) for the month of October, I would like to write about things that happened to me during the past month just to keep my very secret, very tiny fan-base updated.

To start off, this month is my official 2nd year anniversary of singlehood. And while it sometimes pains me to admit it, I have not found my significant other in two years of searching, trying and waiting. I did however; meet a couple of interesting chaps -- at least, worthy enough to mention on my blog entry.

One particular person whom I shall call, Mr. Almost-Made-It which I met a couple of months back but failed to write about was near perfect. We could talk for hours about anything under the sun (and moon – at times). We laughed on everything and had fun being together. Mr. AMI was sweet, kind, forgiving and simply a wonderful person. My friends adored him.

But there was just one problem. I couldn’t bring myself to be intimate with him. (You’re an adult, you know what I mean.) For some freakish reason, I just could not even fathom the idea of being on the same bed with him and do absolutely nothing else but sleep. At first, I thought this was just my fear to lose the passion of the relationship if the intimate moment turned out to be not how I expected to be. So I settled for the relationship instead without the wall-scratching and bed-pounding action that I am so used to. And after a month of dating, things were just getting worse. The looming problem over my “other head” has been too great and too much to go unnoticed. I kept dodging every attempt by faking sleep, faking stomach spasms, and even faking being drunk. I know, I know, I was evil. But alas, even my talented theatrical artistry could not hide what was wrong. The dating withered and eventually I had to speak up and tell the truth. I ended it in the most unbearable, coldest and even insensitive manner, I admit --- through text. As if the method wasn’t bad enough, I added insult to a very painful injury by telling him exactly what I felt, or should I say did NOT feel. A month or so passed, jumping into the present month, we started communicating again and I could sense this is bound to be just a ku-mare – which is a good thing.

Then there’s another guy I met at the most addicting social networking site—Facebook while I was in Malaysia for work. In a nutshell, he turned out better in the cyberworld that in person. I just didn’t agree on his views of relationships and priorities. In my opinion, he simply didn’t know what he wanted to do in his life. He picked me up after a two-week job in Malaysia. We got to talking, that’s when I realized that this is not the person I would want to be with long-term. And at this point in my life, I am not looking for flings, affairs, or short-lived relationships. Ranting about how bad things are at the office and plans of moving out of the country is not exactly what I would like to hear on a first date. Golden rule people: when on a first date, talk about your interests, hobbies and things that keep the conversation light but interesting not how you hate your boss and wish he’d drop dead anytime soon. If he could talk about a person he hates with such judgment and disdain, chances are his boss isn’t the only person he will eventually talk bad about. So, get the check, excuse yourself and run while you can.

I may be a bit presumptuous but heck; I can’t afford to waste my time with a person I can see no future with.

3rd guy --- Chinese-mestizo, mid-30s, professional, good-looking, stable -- financially and emotionally, and we pretty much shared the same vision. After a very nice and interesting first date, it never reached a second. Why? I could only assume. To this date, I have not heard from him again after a brief week of exchanging sms’ planning for the second meeting which obviously never transpired. I guess some guys usually prefer the disappearing act than have the balls to confront. Gawd, sometimes I wonder why I even try to date.

And then the other night, I found the answer to this riddle when I dated a deaf guy. Yes, he’s deaf and we dated. I was actually a bit hesitant to meet up with him but my messiah complex got the best of me. We understood each other since I knew a little sign language which apparently turned out to be pretty good according to him. I figured as much or that date wouldn’t have lasted over the initial “hi” and “hello.” I asked him with his disability, “Does it hinder you from finding love?” And he replied, “Why should it?”

I guess every one of us is in search of something, be it: love, self, hope, and for most people even sanity. But I’ve decided to stop dating for a while. Not because of the too many failed attempts as mentioned but because it is taxing. Getting to know someone especially on a date can be quite a tedious task. Sometimes I just wish I could meet someone like how I met V, simple, uncomplicated and real. He was asking for directions while I was in my jammies on my way to 7-11. Just like that. We lasted for almost 3 years and many years after – he’s still the measurement of what a relationship should be to me.

Simple, uncomplicated and real.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Interesting Conversations

I started talking to this guy online for about a week now. Haven't seen him, have no idea how he looks like but bottomline, I love the way he thinks, the way he writes and they way all this remains to be a mystery. Scared? Yes, but I'm willing to see where this all will go. After all, nothing is really certain. We could only wish to hope and pray ever so diligently that this might work. And if it doesn't, we move on. Just like before.

Received and sent messages
Show last Message

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:15
searching for love, sex and magic? necessarily in that order? :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:24
not really.. but preferably with a picture. hehe!

Him:i 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:26
tempting... :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:28
i'm sure. :D

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:29
my loss then :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:37
or perhaps mine.. :) we'll never really know...

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:40
hahaha, you are one witty piece of neuron

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:44
hmmm... i could probably say the same thing about you.

interesting, i usually ignore guys who message me without pics but then again... it's refreshing to see a message with more than 2 sentences (and not a template).. than the usual "hi", "hello", or worse, "helloww poh, kamustahhh pow kayoh?" HAHAHA!

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:47
i dont see that as messages, they are regarded as TRASH!!!! well, options available to a nice looking guy are endless. but sometimes there is the lil devil called curiosity that pokes your mind with the idea that "hey, this one might work!"

but then again, you have the option to ignore.

or we continue this kind of conversation. your choice!

my ym id remains to be *****

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:52
i'd love too.. but i just finished a toxic day at the office. i'm just about to leave. might not be able to catch or go online when i go home.. too tired most probably.

so next best thing, mobile. if that's not too personal, here's my number 0917******.

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:57
i see. i just hope your toxicity will be compensated for most of the employed's salary are waiting to be withdrawn!!! teller machine rocks today!!!!

well, i wish you well and a safe travel going home. dont worry, your number is safe with me. :)

ME: 16. Sep. 2009 - 11:50
hehehe.. payday for our company is 10-25. :) and no, i'm not paid well enough! but i love my boss and my job so I do it for that reason alone.

yeah, i figured my number was safe with you since you never really messaged me or anything. locked in a vault? =D

Him: 16. Sep. 2009 - 21:58
so dinner on the 25th will be on your tab? hahaha. Underpayment is a misnomer. If you have lots of cash, taxation will be lurking CLOSE behind.

i dont expect you are the message-type person. But yeah ive been hooked in my own vault (read: deadlines) and this is the only time i can check.

my apologies. safety is my primordial concern!!! :)

ME: 17. Sep. 2009 - 10:30
hmmm... you're really starting to poke on my interest a little more. either you're an english major, you love reading books, a writer, or you're a stalker who knows me and the fact that i am turned-on by great minds. so which is it?! :P

25th dinner -- i would love to but unfortunately, i will be in Malaysia by that time and will be gone for 2 weeks. i'm leaving on wednesday next week.

here's my ym in case we catch each other on-line: angel_of_mourn (don't ask, i've had that since high school and was too lazy to change it.)

Him: 17. Sep. 2009 - 21:57
nope, not an english major. If you read the curriculum description of such course, you will have second thoughts.

i love books, that is a confession BUT!!! i am also a writer (in my own ways). Not into blogging though, i have too much stress in life and i firmly believe that the walls of social networking sites are not fora for rantings.

im no stalker too. i dont want to suspend life's happenings conditioned on another. thats a sad life, boring and lethal! hahaha.

maybe i have caffeinated neurons inside this temple. and maybe you have those too. thus, the connection.

Malaysia trip? travel is soothing for the weary soul. But if it is business or work-oriented, then maybe a change of workplace is also an alternative. regardless of teh purpose, you are mature and old enough to remind yourself to take care.

thank you for the ym id. i feel guilty because i have not offered anything in return. thus, i am 0915******.

dinner on the 25th postponed? do you reschedule? ordinarily, i dont. but since you have been nice and accommodating, what is two week wait mode? :)

ME: 18. Sep. 2009 - 13:07
This is turning out to be more and more like a blog entry. It's been a long time since I've conversed with someone such as you. And yes, I'm loving it very much.

so you love books, and write -- two things i hold very high regard of. I'm a writer myself but unlike you, I do my rantings on my blog for the world to read. When I initially created that blog back in 2004, it was more of a place to store all things that i've written. Later on, it became an outlet of sorts for my melodramatic, sometimes chaotic, but mostly ecstatic (wait, did I just rhyme?) life. Now, I mostly write about my experiences in life, love and losing. Three topics I am very much, if not overtly familiar with.

and you're not a stalker... good coz I wouldn't know what name to write on the restraining order (if ever).

yup, definitely have some, if not most neurons caffeinated. everyday coffee drinking and did I mention the title of my blog is Suicide By Coffee (NOTE: Promise you won't look it up!)

I've been going in and out of Malaysia for almost 3 years now. "Suyang-suya" na ako don! Hehehe! But yes, I change of environment from time to time is good for the heart, body and maybe even the soul.

oh wow. an number, think if I should sms you immediately, perhaps I should wait an hour or so before I do. Don't want to seem too eager! Haha!

Yes we could reschedule, how about before I leave. Lemme know if you're up to the challenge.

Him: 18. Sep. 2009 - 23:49
well, i have been conversing with "sensible" peeps on this site. They are scarce, yet some are promising. But then they will shatter the mind challenges and the wisdom taunting conversation with 3 words --- "face pic please". Will then go to square one again. good thing expectations are tempered. i can go through all these again and again.

i think writing vis-a-vis reading is a normal package. unless one writes mathematical themes or nuclear physics that is confined with a mono faceted subject, the two should be used, enjoyed and practice simultaneously.

if i am a stalker, i would just crush your restraining order via mandatory injunction or motion for reconsideration, appeal perhaps? but then again, a good stalker finds pleasure in following without being spotted right?

i am torn between the good effect to critical and free minds on one side and the hurt caused to others by blogs. others might misinterpret you or destroy you back even without your intention doing the same in the first place. thats why blogs do not excite me much. people with minds creating them do excite me more (and more!!! lol). im too lazy to search engine the title of your blog. just tell me the interesting parts on dinner (on you?). I assume a good writer like you is as eloquent and expressive with thoughts.

malaysia? I dont like their restrooms!!! some do not have toilet bowls!!! CRAP!!! literally!!! i love the idea of public showers on railroad stations though. a haven for backpacker-cruisers!!! hahahaha.

still no SMS. even if i brag about the fact that there is this cute person seemingly interested (and equally interesting), i still wanted that message!!! how is he different composing text messages from the free language of the PC? without the message, what difference will it be?

we cant reschedule before your trip. I am on my way to the island paradise of palawan, el nido and coron. while my initial return date is tuesday, i might pay additional bucks to enjoy. Dont worry, i think its worth the wait!!!

til next time. :)

-FIN-

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Because It's My Choice and Not Yours

Last night, I realized that I am a square peg in my very rounded hole and by hole I mean this world. For almost two years that I’ve been single, I’ve searched, waited and longed for love. And it eluded me ever so passionately. I’ve dated and met a lot of people over the past two years and yet, for some reason it just didn’t fit. I didn’t fit.

I’ve been in love before every so often. And while it is the most magical thing in the world, losing it is also the most tragic. It doesn’t matter how many San Miguel Light you drink with your friends or how many love stories you watch, or even how many times you go to bed with someone you hardly even know, I still go to bed every night wondering, going through every detail of how for a split second you made yourself believe that you’re happy loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

I woke up this morning depressed and in tears. Something I also could not explain. But this is not the first time it had happened to me. Usually during the “BER” months that I am single, I somehow get into this mode. And it just sucks!

And so I tried to put meaning to my tears. I asked myself why I was sad. Why in my semi-perfect life, good career, intact family, wonderful friends, the only thing missing is someone I could share the great things in my life with? Why is it that as you get older you raise your expectations and never settle for anything less that what you think you’re worth? And then I came to my senses; I stood up, cleaned the entire apartment, ate very late lunch and sat down to watch “The Holiday” for the nth time. And the answer came to me; you find love when you least expect it. You just do.

Today, I only allowed myself to cry for a few minutes because I needed it. I needed to get my frustration out in the open. Not because I wanted to but because at the end of the day it’s my choice to either sad or to be happy. And now, I chose to be happy. Why? Because, I can!


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

One More Reason Not To Date Anyone Younger Than You... (or in this case, anyone with the intellect of a squirrel.) LOL!

Definitely worth blogging....

One of the reasons, why I should really stop going out with boys! SOME OF THEM have the emotional and intellectual capacity the size of a teaspoon. HAHAHA! Anyway, this conversation was done over PlanetRomeo (a social networking site for PLUs).

This is a conversation between me and a 23-year-old gay guy names Jaycee.

Enjoy reading...


Received and sent messages

Show last Message

1. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:02
define poser. :D

2. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:05
poser?

3. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:06
sa profile mo. :)

4. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:08
what????? ganun b tayo kclose for you to call me poser. magkaibigan nga kayo ni melissa! parehas masama ugali!

5. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:23
ano ba?! chill! you misunderstood.

Online: NO FACE PIC, NO REPLY! POSERS WONT BE ENTERTAINED! -- yan ang headline mo sa profile mo di ba?

so i was asking you as a joke to define poser. mashado ka naman hot-headed....

6. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:26
and you just judged and called me "masamang ugali" and you don't even know me... and all based on a simple and laughable misunderstanding. and on top of that, you just called my friend masamang ugali too. hmmm...

sino kaya sa atin ang may masamang ugali? :(

7. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:28
it's not a good joke.

8. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:31
what?! hahaha! wow! i never said you were a poser and obviously you didn't get the joke. anyway, as i said, chill.. i think you're stressing over such a little thing.

either that or you really didn't get what my message meant.

take care then!

9. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:31
whatever. just stop sending me msgs. thanks. so next time be careful with ur jokes. bye.

10. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:32
hahah! kids nga naman...

oh well.. god bless!

11. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:34
yeah kids nga naman, they love laughing at their stupid jokes.

12. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:38
just because you have an emotional and intellectual capacity the size of a teaspoon doesn't mean the world is always after you!

you'll soon realize what an unbelievably idiotic thing you're stressing about.... until then, i bid you farewell and good luck! :)

-FIN-

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Wanting

I’ve nearly forgotten the last time I fell in love. Though I do remember, that when I did, it felt damn great. I barely recall the last person who made me feel that nothing else in the world mattered as long as we were together. All I knew was he was there… with me.

When I think about all the bad things happening in the world. The recession, the never-ending war amongst fellow men, AH1N1, calamities and even everyday crimes --- from as petty as theft to all the way as inhuman as murder. When I think about the world and its evil, it’s no wonder I am not the only one looking for love.

But as far as I am concerned whenever any calamity, war, disease, or any injustice brought about by evil to any man, even a death of a matriarch of a country such as ours, people come together to express what seems to be more than sympathy but true love and concern. But yes, love is often seen at its best during the worst of times. Though fortunately, that’s not always the case.
But as far as I am concerned whenever any calamity, war, disease, or any injustice brought about by evil to any man, even a death of matriarch of a country such as ours, people come together to express what seems to be more than sympathy but true love and concern. But yes, love is often seen at its best during the worst of times. Though that’s not always the case.

If you really think about it and observe, you’ll find love everywhere. A mother to a son, a father to his daughter, friends, old friends, new ones, lovers, brothers or sisters, even a child on his favorite pet. If you try and find it hard enough, it really is here, there and everywhere. In whatever shape or form, it does exist and endures. But like on everything else, there’s a limit to what you could give. There are certain things that you could only take. Then you ask yourself, with all the love that surrounds even the most romantic, passionate and loving person in the world, is love really enough?

For those who know me pretty well, they have seen me madly in love and they have also seen me broken to a million pieces because of it. And yet here I am still searching, enduring, hoping, and waiting for that one perfect occasion, when the planets and the stars are aligned, to meet that one person that could change everything in your life without a moments notice.

I want to remember how it felt like, what it was that drove me crazy, what made me not want anything else but just to be beside him. To touch, feel, smell, see, experience everything that that one person could give. And to be given the chance to give it all back.

I want to be reminded how to fight because you cared, you loved. I want to argue because the little things mattered. I want to cry because I was hurt. I want to be able to wake up every morning saying that it will be beautiful regardless of the bad weather because you knew, you’d wake up beside the person you were meant to be with --- maybe not forever but at least for that moment. I want to be able to sing again not because I have to but because each melody, word and rhythm reminds how wonderful you feel. I want to be able to dance without a care in the world because it doesn’t matter how stupid you may look, for that one person watching you happy was enough. I want that one person in the world who will still love me even when there’s no more reason to but will still find one.

I want to finally find you.

So if you’re out there, let’s have coffee. My treat.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

On Hope and Romance

When someone tells me that love is just out there, I can’t help but wonder if it’s just a cleaver ruse to mask the fact that while some people find it, others simply doesn’t.

If you are pretty much like me, a hopeless-romantic to the core, you tend to believe on the “sayings” about this feeling. Love is blind. Love is a mystery. Love comes when least expected. Love is … complicated. But on all my faith on this concept of L-O-V-E, I have reason to believe that my once hopeless-romantic self has now been jaded, shaken to its core. Yes, the old me is now being reborn to a more cynical-realistic-practical Noel. I have accepted the fact that I have changed and I welcome it.

For the longest time, I have forced myself to the idea that I need to be with one person to complete me --- as Jerry Maguire very dramatically delivered that infamous line… “You complete me!” But he was wrong; you don’t need someone to complete you because you weren’t even broken in half to begin with. Shame on Jerry for misleading everyone!

I was recently dating someone for almost a month. I had the best time with him. He was smart, funny, and kind, sweet, thoughtful and all those qualities I was looking for a partner to be with. Unfortunately, there was one very important factor missing. I wasn’t really sexually attracted to him. Sad, I know but it doesn’t make it any less true. I really don’t know why but I just was not. And this coming from a very sexual person actually disturbed some close friends when I told them about the problem. And so, we ended it. We both knew it was a problem and that we just had to face it sooner or later. It just happened sooner.

I then realized that there could really be no relationship beyond sex, at least not for gays and not on the onset of what could have been a relationship. You really have to test the waters before you even attempt to swim on it. You’ll never know how deep it could get and you might just drown. We might not survive, not all of us are mermaids after all.

Yes, love without sex cannot exist. Perhaps it could on the straight scene but definitely not in the gay world. It just doesn’t work that way.

And so, my near-epic search continues. Almost two years and while I may have lost the hopeless-romantic in me, my HOPE for a ROMANCE remains steadfast…

… at least for now.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

UNREQUITED

***Found this post from my hard-drive. Written a few years back. GAWD! Even then, I was such an EMO-freak!***


Last night over a bottle of San Miguel, I said "Goodnight!".

For almost two years, I've dreamed of what it was like to be with you. And in two years of longing, that never materialized. There were little things and other big things that affected what could have been a beautiful relationship but last night when I asked you again if you see a possibility you simply said, "No."

I left before you could see tears flowing from my eyes. I didn't want you to see me weak nor sad. But I was both. Extremely.

I write about you to try and release some of the pain and sadness that I feel now. I'm hoping that with this, I can try and move on. If only to see a glimmer of light in the distance.

I almost forgot how it was to love and not be loved in return. The most cruel kind of love. One I hope that you would never-ever feel in your lifetime. I didn't realize that I'd fall so deep. So deep, I couldn't even see I was drowning. I'm sorry for not believing you the first time you said, you did not want me. I guess chose I not to listen. I pretended not to hear. I should have though, if only to stop this madness from consuming me.

You could not see how sincere I was. How much I wanted to give you everything, not because I could but because you deserve it.

Perhaps I shall dance in the rain again to hide the tears. Perhaps when it stops I will be alright.

Perhaps but not certain.

A few hours ago, I dreamed about you. On the dream, you said you wanted me too. That you loved me as well. I woke up and realized it was all but a dream. And my eyes began to fill with tears.

Last night, you said you're sorry.

Sorry that you could not give me what I wanted.

It was over but I still could not say my goodbye. I couldn't. You're just too damn special.

But today, I must try. If only that I could move on.

So here it is... "Goodnight"

(... which loosely translates to "Goodbye!" I think.)

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo